THE TEMASEK REVIEW

By Low Wei Xiang

When I first heard that journalist Joanne Soh made a bold proclamation to the whole nation with her article titled “My mum is right: Men are pigs” in The New Paper on 4 Dec 09, my first reaction was to blush.

That’s right – I positively turned a shade of beetroot.  After all, it is not every day you receive a generous compliment from someone of the fairer sex.  Pigs – we have been called pigs!  Creatures of high intelligence, curiosity, insight, affection, geniality and loyalty!  Thinking about it is enough to bring out the Asian modesty in me – I am afraid I cannot measure up.  Nevertheless, it is time to bring out the champagne and pop the party streamers!

It is only thereafter I heard again that Joanne Soh meant “pigs” in the derogatory sense – in specific reference to Tiger Woods and his infidelities with other women.  My excitement then subsided and paved way into deep confusion.  This is especially so after several others also jumped in and defended Joanne Soh, saying that men, like pigs, are biologically engineered to breed, not to stick to one lifelong partner.

I am confused because pigs are generally solitary – and rarely have sex – except during mating seasons.  They are known to be monogamous too, sticking to one partner their whole lives.

How would these traits be supposedly relevant to Tiger Woods, and men in general, in her arguments?

Why did she not consider other animals then?  How about “all men are whales” – a blowhole would’ve been pretty cool.  Or “all men are Poogles” (a hybrid dog from a Beagle and Poodle) since it highlights how men would stray from who they are supposed to have sex with? 

Or if she really wanted to drive at our lack of commitment, why did she not compare us with hamsters?  I remember I was younger, I had one male and one female hamster, which was a pretty sweet pairing until the duo went on – much to the amazement of the young child I was – to mate all day and night, producing litter after litter.  We once peaked at over 30 hamsters in a 3-storeyed cage, so you can imagine the din at night when the males start pouncing on every female they can get.  The way they go at it fervently, it would have been, in Ricky Martin’s words, “shaking your bon bons”.

It is therefore regrettable that I did not manage to read Joanne Soh’s article in its entirety because I would love to have the haze around me cleared up.  What I did read though was Melvin Singh’s follow-up article on 6 Dec 09 defending his colleague.  However I do not understand his points very well, so I shall refrain from commenting and being further labeled as a “stupid pig”, especially since he is a man, and men should stand by men in times like these.

This reminds me of an occasion sometime ago.  Just like Joanne Soh, my father “once offered sage advice” too of the opposite gender.  He told me, “women are cats”, and that – in remarkable resemblance to what Joanne’s mother told her – “we must always be aware of (their) activities, regardless of how devoted and loving they are.”1

At this point, I am suddenly struck that by labeling us as “pigs”, Joanne Soh might be in-swine-nuating that we are the source of the swine flu that is currently plaguing the world!  Swine flu is caused by men!  Oh, the shock – I cannot even begin to tell you how rudely mortified I am right now.  I would like to immediately clear any misconceptions should the AVA begin a culling of men.  The swine flu virus, or H1N1, is a combination of genes from pigs, birds and humans, and cannot be spread just by being around us – I mean – pigs.

I would thus like to put forward that perhaps – just perhaps – these women with swine flu have been munching on too many feathery friends, because like my father said, “women are cats”.

Because I have decided that I am unable to handle an angry tsunami of mails directed at me, I will draw upon Joanne Soh’s lesson and learn to quantify my statement.

“SOME women are cats.”

There, I feel safer.  A quantifer is one of the most important lessons for a writer, because it is like a get-out-of-jail-free card – it allows us to make generalized statements, but at the same time will not offend an entire population because the self-delusional ones find comfort in the fact that they belong to the antithesis.

I kid, I kid.  I do solemnly believe that it is important to quantify one’s statements.

And for what reasons would a pig of a man call a woman, well, a cat?

Let us talk about dogs first (this is starting to feel like a zoo, what with dogs, cats, birds, pigs and a Tiger loose in the Woods).  Many of us prefer dogs for companions as they are loyal and trustworthy.  Cats, on the other hand, have been portrayed to be cunning and sly – they only appear when they need you.

In fact, British researchers have found out that cats have a special cry embedded into their purr with frequencies similar to a human infant’s, and this triggers urgency in the owners to attend to their needs.  The research also found out that “cats will use whatever is most effective”, and this “solicitation purring” is utilized when they want food or their owner’s attention.2

Does this not remind SOME of you of the lady in your office who knows how to get what she wants?  She who squeezes into tight tops and skirts that show more skin than material, with a high-frequency whine that makes every man drop whatever is on their hands and rush to be at her beck and call?

Do not even get me started on SOME women getting involved in cat fights, whether literal (think women soccer players, claws bared and pulling each other’s hair) or figuratively.

But really, let us focus on the issue with Tiger Woods.

When we talk about Tiger Woods getting involved with other women, let us not forget to turn the tables – do these “outside” women not know that Tiger Woods is married with kids?  What are their motives for committing the “transgression”?  If Tiger Woods was just an ordinary Joe, would the temptation be as high?

It is not surprising that when an “outside” woman gets involved with a celebrity, it is often with the prize at the end in mind.  The superstar prestige.  The bragging rights.  The instant fame when the media gets wind of it.  The publicity for herself and her career.  The money paid by the celebrity himself to shut up.  The money paid by gossip magazines to spill all.  All the better if a baby should pop out – the last I heard, more money can be squeezed out too.

David Beckham’s scandalous affair sometime back definitely titillated.  As The Sunday Times reported on 6 Dec in a sports edition, “without wife Victoria near him after his move to Real Madrid in 2003, (he) reportedly found comfort in his personal assistant Rebecca Loos”.  She was reportedly paid US$600,000 for letting British tabloid News of the World in with “full, steamy details of the affair”, catapulting her to instant fame.

Loos never fails in reminding the world of her existence, from harping on the event that happened years ago, to giving updates on the baby she was expecting with her real boyfriend.  As if she has not milked enough from her money cow, she is recently reported to be in talks with publishing houses about releasing her tell-all book for, well, the only event that people know her for.

A friend told the Daily Star, “She wants to get the best deal possible with a publishing house before agreeing to release the book.  We’re talking millions – after all, he is the biggest sportsman in the world and people will want to read about his behaviour while they worked together.”3

Another example raised by The Sunday Times report is that of tennis legend Boris Becker’s quickie affair with Russian model Angela Ermakova.  Despite the “briefest of (sexual) affairs, lasting barely a few minutes”, Becker soon received a fax from Ermakova saying: “The result of our meeting is now in the eight month.”

The end result?  She receives a home in the United States and London each and a monthly maintenance of about 20,000 pounds.

Now anyone would wonder – why did Ermakova not head straight to inform Becker upon learning about her pregnancy, choosing to wait until her penultimate month of conception?  We can only speculate that she did not want to be coerced into abortion – because look at all the “baby bonus” that she got!  That is more than what any government can offer!

If we look at the above two examples (the list is non-exhaustive), can we not say that some women indeed are cats?  They are smart, deceptive and cunning, making full use of the arsenal of what they have to achieve what they want from the men – sex, money and fame.

While it is easy to launch into a tireless tirade blaming Tiger Woods, the blame should be apportioned fairly.  When both parties know that a male celebrity is married, who should be getting the lion’s share of the blame?  The man who succumbs to the chip in his genetic configuration for sex, or the woman who goes into it knowingly for sex, fame, and money?  The man who has everything to lose, or the woman who has everything to gain?

Joanne Soh might feel that all men are pigs, but has failed in quantifying and substantiating her comments with valid reasons.  But since we are on this topic, let it also be known then that women are cats too – or at least, SOME of them are.  Perhaps the men, in these cases, are the real “stupid pigs”, grunting and going along with it, right into the traps laid out invitingly by these women.  Meow.

References:

1 This is purely fiction – my father has never used “women” and “cats” in the same breath.  It is more of a parody to Joanne Soh’s article.

2 Source: ABC

3 Source: Times of India

About the Author:

Low Wei Xiang, a self-dubbed writer with journalistic aspirations, has found himself graduated from Hwachong Institution, released from the army, and is currently thrown back onto the streets.  He is also a self-confessed owl and sleeping is his secret passion, although it clashes with his other interests.  Aged 20, he writes short stories on top of serious stuff, and will be entering NTU’s Wee Kim Wee School of Communications and Information in 2010.

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